JOKES - DIL THO BACHA HAI JI

Panjab me ek Train k niche 100 Sardar aa gaye!
99 Mar geye, 1 Bach gaya.

Reporter🙋 ne Usse Puchha,
'Ye Sabh Kese hua?'

Srdr - Galat Announcement hua, "Shatabdi Express Platform par aa rahi hai!'
To Sab Ghabra k Platform se Utarkar Patri par Aa gaye! Par Train Platform par nahi,
Patari par Aayi.

Reporter-Aur Aap Samajhdar Nikle Jo Patri par nahi utre!

Srdr-Ji nahi,
Mai to Suicide krne Aaya tha,
Announcmnt Sunkar Patri se Hatkar Platform Pe Let gaya tha

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2 tamil brahmin village men get onto a bus in New York. They sit down & engage in an animated conversation. The lady sitting next 2 them ignores them at first, but her attention is galvanized when she hears 1 of them say the following:

"Emma cums first.
Den I cum.
Den two asses cum together.
I cum once-a-more!
2 asses, they cum 2gether again.
I cum again and pee twice.
Then I cum one lasta time."
The lady can't take this any more and shouts "You foul- mouthed sexobsessed Indian, in this country we don't speak aloud in public places about our sex lives however extraordinary they are."
"Hey, coola down lady,' said the man. "Who talkin' about sex?
I'm a justa tellin' my frienda how to spell Mississippi."

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Yesterday i got a call from job consultant..
She said: "sir, i hv got 2 openings"
I quickly said: "of course, i know.."
Thr ws a long silence...n she disconnected the phone.
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BACHHAN (in KBC): ab akhri sawal 5 crore ke liye:

Jaya aur Aishwarya mein ek jaisa kya hey ???
SARDAR(on hot seat thinks lot and looks at his wife,

Sardar replied :Dono ke Nipples abhisiek ne chusey hey !!!
BIG B behosh !!!

Director and producer ran and declared 10 crore to sardar
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Yesterday i got a call from job consultant..
She said: "sir, i hv got 2 openings"
I quickly said: "of course, i know.."
Thr ws a long silence...n she disconnected the phone.

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Classic ones-
☑ In life, never look down on anybody, unless u r getting a lovely view of the Cleavage! 
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☑ Whenever you see a woman and an opportunity ... don't screw the opportunity! 
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☑ Define contraceptive pill?
It's the second best thing that a women can keep in her mouth to avoid Pregnancy! 
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☑ What is the similarity between doing sex & doing surgery?
Skill is more important than the instrument! 
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☑What is the definition of a Lesbian?
Yet another damn woman trying to do a Man's job! 
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☑ On a NUDE beach a man shakes hand with a lady & says: Pleased to meet U!
Lady: Yeah, I can SEE that! 
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☑ Today's generation:
6 year boy to 4 year boy: Dude, I found a Condom in the balcony.
4 year boy: What's a balcony? 
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☑ What advice does the doctor give to sick prostitutes?
Stay out of BED for two days!!!

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Teacher -Tum bade hokar kya karoge?
Student - Shaadi.
Teacher - Nahi, mera matlab hai kya banoge.
Student - Dulha Banunga.
Teacher - Ohho, I mean to say, bade hoker kya haasil karoge
Student - Dulhan.
Teacher-  Abbe. matlab bade ho kar mumy papa k liye kya karoge.? Student - Bahu launga.
Teacher - Haraamkhor.. Tumhare papa tumse kya chahte hain?
Student - Pota.
Teacher - Hey bhagwan. Abbe zindagi ka kya maksad hai.? Student - "Hum do hamare do.
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Prime Ministers of India !!!!
〰〰〰〰〰〰〰〰
Jawaharlal Nehru proved that a rich man can become the country’s Prime Minister;

Lal Bahadur Shastri proved that a poor man can become the Prime Minister;

Indira Gandhi proved that a woman can become the Prime Minister;
🙋🙋🙋🙋🙋🙋🙋🙋
Morarji Desai proved that an old man can become the Prime Minister;

Rajiv Gandhi proved that a young man can become the Prime Minister;

I.K. Gujral proved that a gentleman can become the Prime Minister;

Deve Gowda proved just about anybody can become the Prime Minister;
.                 Vajpayee proved that a bachelor is the best PM.         
Manmohan Singh has proved that India does not need a Prime Minister..
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A store that sells “New Husbands” has opened in New York City, where a woman may go to choose a husband. Among the instructions at the entrance is a description of how the store operates: 
You may visit this store ONLY ONCE! There are six floors and the value of the products increases as the shopper ascends the flights. The shopper may choose any item from a particular floor, or may choose to go up to the next floor, but you cannot go back down except to exit the building!
So, a woman goes to the Husband Store to find a husband. On the first floor the sign on the door reads:

Floor 1 -  These men Have Jobs
She is intrigued, but continues to the second floor, where the sign reads:

Floor 2 -  These men Have Jobs and Love Kids.
'That's nice,' she thinks, 'but I want more.' So she continues upward. The third floor sign reads:

Floor 3 -  These men Have Jobs, Love Kids, and are Extremely Good Looking. 
'Wow,' she thinks, but feels compelled to keep going. She goes to the fourth floor and the sign reads:

Floor 4 -  These men Have Jobs, Love Kids, are Drop-dead Good Looking and Help with Housework.
'Oh, mercy me!' she exclaims, 'I can hardly stand it!' Still, she goes to the fifth floor and the sign reads:

Floor 5 -  These men Have Jobs, Love Kids, are Drop-dead Gorgeous, Help with Housework, and Have a Strong Romantic Streak.She is so tempted to stay, but she goes to the sixth floor, where the sign reads:

Floor 6 -  You are visitor number 31,456,012 to this floor. There are no men on this floor. This floor exists solely as proof that women are impossible to please!!!
Thank you for shopping at the Husband Store. 

PLEASE  NOTE:
To avoid gender bias charges, the store's owner opened a “New Wives Store”
just across the street.
The 1st Floor has wives that listen to men.
The 2nd, 3rd, 4th,5th and 6th floor have never been visited by men 
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Santa: My wife died yesterday..Im trying to cry but tears are not coming, what to do?
Banta: Imagine she is Back...
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Dada Kondke made a movie:

"Roz Meri Marlo"
Censor board objected.
Dada told censor board= ye 3 ladkiyo ki kahani hai. Rose, Mary & Marlo.
Board asked to change the sequence. Dada happily agreed & told the censor board=U can put their names in any sequence.

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OncE a bright intelligent younG man went for IAS (Indian Civil Service) interview.
He was asked -

Q 1. When did India get independence?
He answered - The efforts started long back; but could succeed in 1947.

Q 2. Who were the persons, who played important role in this fight for independence?
Answer - There are many people, who were involved and contributed in this. If I give a name, it will be injustice to others.

Q 3. Do you think, corruption is the greatest enemy of the country?
Answer - A committee is investigating in this matter. I can give a correct reply to this only after seeing the report.

The interview board was impressed by his original ideas. They asked him to wait outside; but also advised him not to reveal the questions, as they may ask the same questions to other candidates also.
When the young man went out of the room, Sardar inquired about the questions asked. The young man said that he had promised the interview board not to disclose the questions.
But, Sardar found a way out. "Tell me the answer you gave"..
The young man, thought it to be okay, as he was not going back on his words of "not disclosing the QUESTIONS". So he gave him the three answer which Sardar quickly learnt by heart.
When Sardar went in for interview, this is what happened.

Q 1. When were you born?
Sardar:- The efforts started long back, but could succeed in 1947.
Interviewers got confused...they asked next question.

Q 2. What is your father's name?
Sardar :- There are many people, who were involved and contributed in this. If I give a name, it will be injustice to others.
The board members were shocked at the reply..they said.

Q 3. Are you mad?
Sardar :- A committee is investigating in this matter. I can give a correct reply to this only after seeing the report.

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A new metal is added to chemistry

Name: Wife
Symbol: Bv
Atomic weight: Light when first found, tends to get heavier over the years with time.

Physical properties:
*Boils at any time
* Can freeze at any time
*Melts if treated with love and care
*Very Bitter is Mishandled

Chemical properties:
*Very reactive
*Highly unstable
*Possesses strong Affinity for Gold, Silver, Platinum, Diamond, Credit cards and Cheque books
*Money Reducing Agent

Occurrence: Mostly found in front of Mirror...
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SAGAAI K BAAD

Boy: THANK GOD!
 Is din ka to me kabse intejar karrha tha.
Girl: To me jau?
B: Nahi bilkul nahi.
G: Do u luv me?
B: Ha. Karta tha,karta hu aur karta rahunga.
G: Kabhi mere sath dhoka karoge?
B: Nahi. Isse achha to me mar jau.
G: Kya mujhe pyarkaroge?
B: Yes, why not..
G: Tum muje maroge?
B: Nahi me aisa aadmi nahi hu.
G: kya me tum pe vishvash kar sakti hu?
B: yes.
G: Oh darling!
AUR SHAADI K BAAD - Ab Msg NICHE SE UPAR PADHO...

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An Australian Army Sniper goes to Rifle shop to buy new scope for his Gun.
Manager takes out one & says:
''This scope is so good, U can see my house 1 km up on that hill".
Sniper looks through the scope & laughs :''I see a naked man & a naked woman in your house''.
Manager looks v the scope
& gives 2 bullets to sniper :
''I'll give U this scope free,
If U shoot my wife's head off
& the guy's Dick".
Sniper looks again in the scope :
''Well ! Seems like I can do that with one bullet."

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Murdering English Language

Infosys, Bangalore:
"Since I have to go to my village to sell my land along with my wife ,
please sanction me one-week leave."

Oracle, Bangalore:
From an employee who was performing the "mundan" ceremony of his 10 year old son:
"As I want to shave my son's head , please leave me for two days.."

Leave-letter from a CDAC employee who was
performing his daughter's wedding:
"As I am marrying my daughter, please grant a week's leave.."

From H.A.L. Administration Dept:
"As my mother-in-law has expired and I am only one responsible for it please grant me 10 days leave."

Another employee applied for half-day leave as follows:
"Since I've to go to the cremation ground at 10 o'clock and I may not return, please grant me half day casual leave"

A leave letter:
"I am suffering from fever, please declare one-day holiday."

A leave letter to a headmaster:
"As I am studying in this school I am suffering from headache. I request you to leave me today"

Another letter written to a headmaster:
"As my headache is paining , please grant me leave for the day."

Covering note:
"I am enclosed herewith..."

Another one:
"Dear Sir: with reference to the above , please refer to my bottom..."

Actual application for leave:
"My wife is suffering from sickness and as I am her only husband at home I may be granted leave".

Letter writing:
"I am well here and hope you are also in the same well."

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A new vacuum salesman knocked at the door. .
A lady opened it. Before she could speak, .
the salesman rushed into the living room and emptied a bag of cow shit on the carpet. .
Salesman: Madam, if I couldn't clean this up in nxt 3 mins with my new powerful vaccum cleaner, i'll EAT all this Shit! .
Lady: Do u need Chilli Sauce with that? .
Salesman: why Madam? .
Lady: Because there's no electricty in the house. .
MORAL: Oversmartness in INDIA can b deadly!!!

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SARA  BHARAT SHARMINDA HAI...  PAR BAPU AAJ BHI JINDA HAI

Bapu Ne Soniya Gandhi KoSapne Mein Puchha

Maine Jo "Topi",👓"Chashma" "Lathi"📏"Saadgi" Aur "Imandari"
- Congress Ko Di Thi Wo Kaha He?

Sonia Ne Imandari Se Jawab Diya,

"Topi"              -  Rahul Janta Ko Pehana Raha He,
👓"Chashma"   -  Man Mohan Ko Phenaya He,
📏'Lathi"          -  Police valo Ko Di Hai Jo Sach - Bolne Valo Per Chalayi Ja Rahi He,
"Saadgi"           -  Mere Aur Priyanka Ke 🎽Kapdo Mei He,
'Imandari"         -  Swiss Bank Mein Deposit He!

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Poore India me ek hi jagah aisi hai jaha ye Khane ki chiz itni Sasti milti hai,

Tea            =1.00
Soup          =5.50
Daal           =1.50
Meals         =2.00
Chapati       =1.00
Dosa           =4.00
Biryani       =8.00
ye sub items sirf Garibo k liye he,aur ye sub available hai..."INDIAN PARLIAMENT CANTEEN" Aur un Garibo ka Pagar hai Rs. 80,000 per month. - Without Income Tax.

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A lady did a facelift for her birthday. She spends $5000 and feels pretty good about the results.

On her way home, she stops at a news stand to buy a newspaper.

Before leaving she says to the clerk, “I hope you don’t mind my asking, but how old do you think I am?” “About 32,” is the reply. “Nope! I’m exactly 47, “the woman says happily.

A little while later she goes into McDonald’s and asks the counter girl the very same question. The girl replies, “I guess about 29.” The woman replies, “Nope, I’m 47.”

Now she’s feeling really good about herself. She stops in a drug store on her way down the street. She goes up to the counter to get some mints and asks the clerk this burning question. The clerk responds, “Oh, I’d say 30.” Again she proudly responds, “I am 47, but thank you.

“While waiting for the bus to go home, she asks an old man waiting next to her the same question. He replies, “Lady, I’m 78 and my eye sight is going. Although, when I was young, there was a sure way to tell how old a woman was.

It sounds very forward, but it requires you to let me put my hands under your bra. Then I can tell you EXACTLY how old you are.

“They wait in silence on the empty street until curiosity gets the best of her. She finally blurts out, “What the heck, go ahead.”

He slips both of his hands under her blouse and under her bra and begins to feel around very slowly and carefully.

He bounces and weighs each breast.

He gently pinches each nipple.

He pushes her breasts together and rubs them against each other.

After a couple of minutes of this, she says,”Okay, okay,…how old am I?”

He completes one last squeeze of her breasts, removes his hands, and says, “Madam, you are 47.”

Stunned and amazed, the woman says, “That was incredible, how could you tell?”

The old man replies, “Promise you won’t get mad?”

“I promise I won’t.” she says.

He replies, “I was behind you in line at McDonald’s. 
Men will be men.
20:16, 30 Sep - Mahesh Prasad: Physics would have been much easier...
If...
If...
If...
If...
The tree itself had fallen on newton’s head instead of the apple..!!

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Which is the most dangerous alphabet of all?
“W "!!
B’coz all worries start with "w"
Who?
Why?
What?
When?
Which?
Whom?
Where?
War!
And finally
Wife....!
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A sign at petrol pump...
"Plz ... don't smoke here ...
Your life may be worthless, but petrol certainly isn't...!"

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The real problem does not start when a boy starts looking at girl.
It begins when she turn back and gives a smile.


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Imagine
U & I join NASA
After 1 month
The Americans will have to change the name from NASA to... sarvanasa

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The trouble with the world is that,
The stupid’s are full of confidence and the intelligents are full of doubts

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A student grabbed a coin, flipped it in the air & said,
“Head, I go to sleep.”
Tail, I watch a movie.
If it stands on the edge I’ll study.

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You know a crazy fact of today’s generation:
Once upon a time, girls used to cook like their mothers.
But now they drink like their fathers...!!!

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